On this month's live podcast, Jack O'Brien and the Cracked staff welcome Dr. Secondly, it's about to get worse from here: monkey sex. Think Nana and Pop-Pop's loving 60-year monogamous relationship is quaint and old-fashioned? First off, sorry for that disturbing image, but we've got some news for you: the monogamous sexual relationship is actually brand new relative to how long humans have been around. It's what's called "The Florida Circle of Life." It has introduced a number of snake detection dogs, and if they get out of hand, they simply train some gators to eat the dogs, which we already know we can control with Burmese pythons. ![]() Even if each of those heroic hunters turns out to be the greatest snake killer in the world, it's unlikely the problem will ever be resolved, but the state isn't out of ideas. With no resolution in sight, Florida called upon its sizable but underutilized population of gun-toting residents by hosting the Python Challenge, a state-sponsored snake-killing jamboree. ![]() Being killed by your own food sounds terrible, but the snake was also found without a head, so it's somehow possible its food killed it while in the process of being swallowed by eating it back? When snakes and gators battle, they create Cronenberg scenes that baffle medical science. This python body was found with a partially digested gator rupturing out of its stomach. Sometimes, both animals die in stomach-turning flesh puzzles of horror. Their population is estimated at tens of thousands to even hundreds of thousands, a statistic that doesn't inspire confidence in local snake catchers or local snake counters. And when they're not restricted to a diet of snake pellets and Hot Pockets, Burmese pythons grow big - up to 20 feet long. So many pet pythons were released into the wild after growing too large to keep in homes that they made the Everglades their home and started breeding with each other. If Gremlins was set in Florida, it would have been six minutes long and rated NC-17 for Gremlins Killing Fucking Everybody Violence. And if there's one thing you can't trust Florida pet owners with, it's a lethal invasive species. Almost certainly inspired by terrible movies and awesome Whitesnake album covers, Floridians have been importing Burmese pythons to the area as pets for years. ![]() In addition to bath salt rampages and nude men covered in penis electrodes, Florida faces a lesser known threat: giant pythons.
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